haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
