have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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