So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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