just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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