He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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