He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
