this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
