Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
