I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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