Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
