he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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