Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
