Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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