So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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