Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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