took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
