M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
