I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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