we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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