went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
