If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
