I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
