It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
