So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
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I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i dont even know how to be here
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls