my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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