I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
