Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
