I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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