home. puking in laundry basket.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
