ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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