At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
