I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You did what with his pubic hair?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
