I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
