I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You left your phone here
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