My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
