why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize