Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
