Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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