well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
