woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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