Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
