Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
