He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
