I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
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His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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