I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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