While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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