my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
