Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
