I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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