Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize