Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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