if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
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