she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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