I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
