shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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