Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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